Sunday, May 9, 2010

Temper Tantrums

I don't know why, but this morning I seem to be throwing a temper tantrum.  It's just not FAIR!

While I am thankful for the many blessings in our lives, I am also envious of those being denied to us right now.  The simple pleasures of sleeping in our own home or eating a meal together seem so very precious when they are denied.  We are approaching the end of a month solid in the hospital and are both extremely tired of this. Tyler can hardly sleep at night because of worries that he will choke on his own saliva.

We really just want to live a normal life!  In fact, boring sounds quite wonderful...

Thank goodness we had a year or two together before we got married, as our entire marriage has been overshadowed by this darn battle with leukemia.  Sometimes we can forget about it for awhile, when Tyler is feeling good and strong.  But it seems like we are always drawn back with a new outbreak.  In fact, those relapses seems to happen anytime I want to travel....  Do you think Tyler is trying to tell me in a subtle way that he doesn't want to travel as much as I do?

I am envious of the family and friends who have started families of their own and are watching their children grow.  We would love to have a family, but treatments have made that unlikely without adoption and our lives are really too crazy right now to add more complications in...

Tyler is sick of being stuck in the same room, mostly in bed, every day.  I am sick of wrestling with whether or not I am making the wrong choice every time I am doing something other than being with him in the hospital.

I know everybody has their own demons and that no life is as easy as it looks.  But for today...  I am thoroughly disgusted with our personal battle and would love to call a cease fire for a few years (or decades?!).


  1. Mandy...

    It's so normal to feel that way...and a tantrum feels good every once in awhile...I know I find it hard to watch the rest of the world seem to move on when it seems all we focus on is the CML, the donor search and the upcoming transplant...take heart that you are not the only one facing demons like this...and it's hard not to feel defeated once in awhile...but know there are lots of people out there rooting for you and Tyler and sending good thoughts and prayers your way!

    Cheryl Thornton

  2. Whoah! If I were you I'd be throwing temper tantrums all the time! It's NOT fair, absolutely not. That said, you are an INCREDIBLE woman, so amazingly strong and I am always impressed by the positive attitude you have. Even here you joke about travel. ;) So, while this is all certainly as unfair as it gets, stay strong, you are a gift to Tyler every day. Thanks for sharing your feelings so more of us can send strong healing vibes your way too!

  3. Sending lots of love and strength! I have learned so much as I have read your blog. I think about the two of you all the time, and pray for healthy years ahead. You deserve them!! You two have probably helped more people than you know recognize early signs of cancer, and know the variety of treatment options. It is so unfair to you both, but the fact that you share your learnings is saving lives. You two are amazingly strong people!!! Sharing your frustrations help us know which way to channel our prayers, too!
    Love ya!

  4. Love to you and Tyler Mandy. Nothing but love!