Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Missing the "We"

One of the really great thing about being married to Tyler was that we had a solid partnership.  As I make this transition, I find myself saying "We like this" or "We do that" and then I stop and realize that I am supposed to just talk about me now. It's strange to realize that two really did become one in our marriage.

Many people may not realize the work that Tyler and I put into our marriage before we ever walked down the aisle.  As we were first dating, I admitted that I had trouble communicating.  Although I have learned LOTS from my darling husband (who would share anything with anybody), I still struggle to share some of my innermost feelings.  In order to build a solid foundation of communication, Tyler and I decided to learn more about how to communicate better.  We read The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts
and found that understanding the concepts in the book really helped us to communicate better about our relationship needs.  Tyler's primary language was Quality Time, so he just needed to remind me of that when I would get too busy with other things.

The other book that we used to develop our communication and highly recommend to other couples was The Hard Questions: 100 Questions to Ask Before You Say I Do.  This book had questions on all sorts of topics, such as what is your dream house like and how many kids do you want and how do you feel about religion, and anything else that could be helpful to discuss.  Tyler and I would answer all of the questions in a chapter independently and then get together and talk about our answers. We were lucky in that so many of our answers matched the other person's, but we also found ways to understand what was important to each other as we worked through the chapters.  This book certainly isn't for everybody, but I do recommend to anyone who wants to work on comunication or wants to go the extra mile to build a strong partnership.

Just my two cents on something that really worked for us!

I miss Tyler in little twinges throughout each day.  For example, it has been hard to watch American Idol this year because that was something that Tyler LOVED to watch.  We have a DVR, but Tyler could never wait to start the show late. He was just so excited to hear the songs and see the performance. 

I hope that each of you will hug your loved one today, just remembering that things would be much different if they were missing from your life.


  1. Mandy, I have been thinking of you often. I remember so clearly how all the help and good wishes stream in in those first weeks, and then you are on your own. The mail that comes months later, the phone calls for him that you have the fun of freaking the telemarketer out by saying he died-that always shuts them up, the old shirts in the closet that still smell of him, and the fantasy that it was all just a hoax and you are sure you saw him walking down the street. These things are all blessings of remembrance and painful at the same time.
    I set the table for four accidentally for months after dad died. You'll notice everyone except you will use the past tense from the moment they hear he died, and it will take you ages to make that transition into thinking of him as gone and not a constant part of your present.
    I hope you continue to use this forum to share your griefs and joys, just like Tyler did, we want to know how you are behind that cute squinty smile of yours.
    Don't forget to ask for what you need. The only person you hurt by being strong is you. Love in your journey of grief,

  2. We love that book, the first one you mentioned. Helped me understand why all my cooking and cleaning was going unnoticed when all Bo wanted was to hang out and snuggle. lol.

    Love to you Mandy. Thank you for sharing this, I hoep you do more often.

    Janelle Fairwell

  3. I don't know you except through your blog. The one thing that always struck me was how much you and Tyler were a team. The care and commitment to each other really came through and it is something that I admire.